I had just opened my computer to read some emails I had downloaded. One subject line said: “A Toast to Demitra.”  I was so excited – this was a woman who I knew in London, a set designer, who was super vivacious, effervescent – so excited about life!  I immediately thought she was coming to New York, maybe she was getting married or opening a show. Last October, she took me to a beautiful lounge in London to celebrate my upcoming wedding – we drank wine, talked about friends from school, about the Kane’s workshops on living in the moment – she had planned to come to Hamburg for the next workshop…In astonishment, I read that she had passed away.  As tears splashed down on my keyboard, I wished it wasn’t true, I wished I had stayed in better touch, I wished I had been a better friend, that I had invited her one more time, wished I could tell her that her smile brightened my life every single solitary time I saw her, wished I had told my husband Rod I loved him before he left today…

My mind reprimanded me strongly and it was hard to stay present – regret, sadness, memories.

That night, I was cooking dinner and suddenly feeling how precious it was to even be alive.  What does it MEAN to be alive? What defines a life?  The economy, the election, your achievements?  I looked around me: the refrigerator hummed, the baseball game was on, the tile was cold under my bare feet.  Little Cat bounded up to the counter and I looked at her for a moment.  Instead of a quick “Sssttt” that would have sent her to the floor, I handed her a scallop.  She looked up at me so surprised she nearly fell off the counter.  I then picked up our other cat Willie and walked him outside to the garden.  He took quick advantage, flopping on his side and rolling around in the hot sun, covering himself in dirt, savoring being a cat.  Rod and I hung out watching the Red Sox beat the Tampa Bay Rays and I named all the baseball teams in America and what city they are from. At the stable, I took Star on a long walk and let him smell the roses, which he really likes but is not generally allowed to do because he has a bad habit of eating them.  As I put Star away, I saw a woman who always appears to be pissed off and whom I therefore assumed didn’t like me. Would I be left wishing I had been less intimidated by her and more friendly?  I walked straight up to her and I told her how handsome her horse was and that I was sorry we hadn’t really met – a smile literally spread across her face and every time I saw her that day, instead of the dirty look I had come to expect, she smiled at me.

I thought of Dimitra – she brought light to people and they sparked in her presence.  The best way to, in fact, extend her short life is to reach out and touch the hearts of those around ME, bringing transformation to my “now.”  She didn’t have most of the things society typically defines a “lifetime” by, but she had the brightest, warmest smile I have ever seen – and actually, what an extraordinary thing to be remembered for.

I pulled out of the parking lot, waved to the lady and her horse, and as I turned the corner, deeply appreciated that little moment just before you shift from first gear into second, when it feels like you’re flying.

Caitlin
Brooklyn, NY

This entry was posted on Sunday, March 29th, 2009 at 11:27 pm and is filed under Gratitude, Instantaneous Transformation, Passion. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.