Mama Gravity
It all started in Costa Rica. Actually it started just after the completion of the Kanes’ Costa Rican Adventure 2010, which was the best ever, by the way. Although I was inspired and really wanted to go again in 2011, I had hesitated to sign up for Costa Rica next year, because I didn’t want to register without letting my 16-year-old daughter Ayla in on my decision first. This past year, when I had let Ayla know I was going, she had pouted for a week or more because I hadn’t consulted her before committing to go. I had actually hesitated before telling her because I was afraid she might disapprove!
On the way to my room to get my luggage before heading home, I ran into Ariel and Shya on one of the beautiful covered walkways and we started chatting. When I outlined my dilemma, they pointed out that what I was actually doing was to ask my daughter for her permission to go to Costa Rica again and that it is I who is the mother who needs to say what’s going on – not vice versa. They said that I was trying to be Ayla’s friend instead of her mother. It was not long before I discovered how true this really had been.
When I got home I found an eye-opening letter in the mailbox from Ayla’s school saying that she would be getting some 5’s and 6’s (which in the German school system is the equivalent of an F – it’s 1-6, 1 being an A and 6 an F) in her mid-year report card and that if she doesn’t improve she would not only be flunking the school year, but she would have to leave the school! This is based on the fact that the German school system is divided into three levels of schools; after fourth grade the children are sorted into different schools according to their grades. Ayla is at a “Gymnasium,” which means she had really good grades in Elementary school. With her language choices of taking Latin, English and Spanish (in this order), she is not compatible to go to a lower school level. I realized it was time that I got clear and took action! I still had my jacket on as well as my “Seeing Power” from Costa Rica when I called Ayla’s classroom teacher, spoke with her father and got an appointment with the school counselor. We went through many different options, one of which was boarding school, which I found out I can’t afford. But the bottom line was: Ayla was not doing her work.
I reached out to get support and the best support I found was Ariel and Shya who said:
There needs to be consequences to her inactivity, just like gravity. You don’t need to be “strict” or use force or be angry. Just consistent.
So Ayla and I sat down and wrote down our plan of action and we found two great tutors for Spanish and Math/Physics. For every 5 or 6 she gets on a test, she has to stay home on the evenings of two week-ends… and in case she gets a 1, she gets to have one of the evenings back. Now she has a list of all grades she gets on her wall and I check her vocabulary and homework regularly.
So, like gravity I made sure we both stuck to this program. Even before she started with tutoring she got her first 1 in math! From a 6 to a 1. She hasn’t had a single 1 in math since starting at the Gymnasium! And that was not a one-time thing. She has been getting good grades in all sorts of classes like Chemistry and English. There was also an 5 in Latin, and when she and her friend tried to get me to let her meet up with some classmates at the café on one of the stay-home evenings, I was like gravity. No anger or upset, no feeling sorry for her or myself because I had to say no. Unaccustomedly I didn’t even feel guilty. We even laughed at all the funny ways they tried to get me to give in and we actually had some fun. That was not how I had expected it to be. The second week-end turned out to be one day less, because she got herself another 1.
I can’t say I understand this, but I do believe that just being honest with myself and seeing how I have tried so hard for my daughter to like me, instead of dealing with the possibility of her being angry at me, has helped. It took a few days of upsets from Ayla, maybe a week, for her to realize that this is how things are now and you know what? Our relationship has actually gotten a lot sweeter.
By the way, I signed up for Costa Rica 2011 while in Costa Rica this year without asking my daughter for permission, and have already paid my first deposit so that I can profit from the early registration discount. I invite you all to join me next year and if you sign up by April 26, 2010 and pay your first third you will also get the discount. It is so fantastic!
Sandy S, Munich, Germany
