Hi everybody!

10 days  ago, I thought it would be a nice idea to send my mother some flowers at Mother’s Day, May 9th.  So I went in the Internet to my online flower shop and checked Mother’s Days flower bouquets. They were beautiful, but nothing really touched my heart. So I checked the other offers, and suddenly a stunning bouquet of a dozen large red roses popped up. A beautiful heart shaped tin box with filled chocolate was attached.  It looked just gorgeous! Then my little voice in my head started: “No, this is something for lovers, not for moms.” And then I saw, they are only available tll April 30th. Ok, enough resonable reasons to forget about it. I looked for something else, and one minute later I jumped back to the roses.  They looked so incredible precious and beautiful.

Why not sending them just a week earlier, when she’s not expecting it, what a great surprise.  I just needed to order a card together with the flowers. The Mother’s Day cards were not yet availabe. They only offered: I love you, Happy Birthday, Thank you, Get well, and something without text. My first thought: nothing is fitting. Well, “Thank you” would be ok. But it didn’t feel appropriate, just very reasonable. But what else: There was this very coulourful “I love you” card, with hearts of red roses on it. It was so corny/mawkish, and in English. No one in my family would ever send such a printed emotional card. Then I thought of picking the neutral card and writing something nice on it.

And then my hand clicked on the “I love you” card. My little voice said, perhaps she will laugh about it and feel embarassed (as I did, picking it), but still she will like the flowers and the chocolate. I wrote in the card: Dear Mum, this year Mother’s Day is one week early. I don’t remember the next sentences, it was something about thank you for everything, included my dad and ended with a big hug.  I dated it as delivery on April 30th.

Yesterday my Mum called me in the afternoon. She cried so much, she couldn’t even talk. I said, “Oh my God, Mum, what has happened?!” She cried, “We got your gift, this incredible flowers and your card. Dad and I had not expected something so wonderful. We are sitting here togteher at the table looking at it and are crying, because we are so happy!” I got tears in my eyes and said: “You deserve it.” She whispered, “Thank you, thank you.”  We wished eachother a wonderful week-end.

I feel so rich, and so grateful. My life is fullfilled. I’m so happy that I sent this gift, yes it was a gift between lovers, and I love my Mum and my Dad, and they love me. Transformation turns the world into this magical place.

Thank you so much Ariel & Shya and all of you, for making this possible.

Love,
Stefanie

On the way to my room to get my luggage before heading home, I ran into Ariel and Shya on one of the beautiful covered walkways and we started chatting.  When I outlined my dilemma, they pointed out that what I was actually doing was to ask my daughter for her permission to go to Costa Rica again and that it is I who is the mother who needs to say what’s going on – not vice versa. They said that I was trying to be Ayla’s friend instead of her mother.  It was not long before I discovered how true this really had been.

When I got home I found an eye-opening letter in the mailbox from Ayla’s school saying that she would be getting some 5’s and 6’s (which in the German school system is the equivalent of an F – it’s 1-6, 1 being an A and 6 an F) in her mid-year report card and that if she doesn’t improve she would not only be flunking the school year, but she would have to leave the school! This is based on the fact that the German school system is divided into three levels of schools; after fourth grade the children are sorted into different schools according to their grades. Ayla is at a “Gymnasium,” which means she had really good grades in Elementary school. With her language choices of taking Latin, English and Spanish (in this order), she is not compatible to go to a lower school level. I realized it was time that I got clear and took action! I still had my jacket on as well as my “Seeing Power” from Costa Rica when I called Ayla’s classroom teacher, spoke with her father and got an appointment with the school counselor.  We went through many different options, one of which was boarding school, which I found out I can’t afford. But the bottom line was: Ayla was not doing her work.

I reached out to get support and the best support I found was Ariel and Shya who said:

There needs to be consequences to her inactivity, just like gravity.  You don’t need to be “strict” or use force or be angry.  Just consistent.

So Ayla and I sat down and wrote down our plan of action and we found two great tutors for Spanish and Math/Physics. For every 5 or 6 she gets on a test, she has to stay home on the evenings of two week-ends… and in case she gets a 1, she gets to have one of the evenings back. Now she has a list of all grades she gets on her wall and I check her vocabulary and homework regularly.

So, like gravity I made sure we both stuck to this program. Even before she started with tutoring she got her first 1 in math! From a 6 to a 1. She hasn’t had a single 1 in math since starting at the Gymnasium! And that was not a one-time thing. She has been getting good grades in all sorts of classes like Chemistry and English. There was also an 5 in Latin, and when she and her friend tried to get me to let her meet up with some classmates at the café on one of the stay-home evenings, I was like gravity. No anger or upset, no feeling sorry for her or myself because I had to say no. Unaccustomedly I didn’t even feel guilty. We even laughed at all the funny ways they tried to get me to give in and we actually had some fun. That was not how I had expected it to be. The second week-end turned out to be one day less, because she got herself another 1.

I can’t say I understand this, but I do believe that just being honest with myself and seeing how I have tried so hard for my daughter to like me, instead of dealing with the possibility of her being angry at me, has helped. It took a few days of upsets from Ayla, maybe a week, for her to realize that this is how things are now and you know what? Our relationship has actually gotten a lot sweeter.

By the way, I signed up for Costa Rica 2011 while in Costa Rica this year without asking my daughter for permission, and have already paid my first deposit so that I can profit from the early registration discount. I invite you all to join me next year and if you sign up by April 26, 2010 and pay your first third you will also get the discount. It is so fantastic!

Sandy S, Munich, Germany

Costa Rica was amazing! It was such a treat that I was there for two weeks!  My husband Jay, our friend Susan & I watched some of the video we shot in Costa Rica.  And I was amazed to see myself. I looked calm and comfortable in my skin.

Costa Rica gave me the opportunity to be me. To be me in a place with 50 plus glorious friends in a land of pure beauty. It was magical as we all transformed and relaxed into the moment. The two weeks in Costa Rica gave me the opportunity to relax into myself, as I kept dropping the thoughts that requested I work on myself. The old mechanics didn’t have staying power as I didn’t entertain & indulge in urges of self pity. It was amazing!! And this skill set got easier & easier as each day flew by.

I was the “logistics” person for Ariel & Shya. And I got to see how I operate when I’m “working”. It was such a gift and so valuable. I got to see how I would automatically fall into self pity if I would make a “mistake”. This used to be how I operated at my job at the Bank (which I immediately saw in retrospect – my boss didn’t appreciate it – and that’s an understatement). My boss would get so frustrated with me when I worked on myself. I didn’t see this until I was in Costa Rica. Here was the game: if I went into self pity while I was performing my logistics duties, I would no longer be the logistics person. I love doing logistics, so there was a great price to pay if I indulged in self pity. I saw that if I’m lost in self pity, I can’t take care of people & my surroundings. It was a trip to feel the self pity mechanics automatically rise up within me and in an instant
see it, feel it, not judge it, and then continue with what I was doing in that moment, bypassing the uncomfortable place that used to keep me from being brilliant.

Needless to say, working this past week at the Bank was AMAZING. I had moments where I made some mistakes and I flushed & blushed with unkind thoughts about myself – all in front of my boss of course. In a split second (due to my awareness training in Costa Rica) I saw I had the choice. I then spoke with my boss without punishing myself (or her), and she quickly moved onto the next moment, trusting that I would make the correction, knowing that I supported her. I was partnering her and this is a powerful feeling.

Jay and I are in a new place in our relationship. We are partners in a new and expansive way than we were before we went to Costa Rica. I got see how I wouldn’t allow men to help me (a vestige from my pre-transformational feminist days). Jay supported me & participated with the Logistics and it was such a sweet and loving experience.

I am a new person. Costa Rica is the greatest gift I can give myself. I signed up again for next year. So much magic happened. If you’re thinking about Costa Rica 2011 – give it to yourself! I am so grateful for Ariel &
Shya, and for all of you in this Transformational Community. What a gift we have. A gift to share with others who have yet to discover Instantaneous Transformation. I’m looking forward to seeing some of you tomorrow night (with all of our guests!). And to those of you around this world (not in NYC) – I look forward to seeing you soon!

Sending my love to all of you,
Colleen

Bill gives tips about how to have an active sex life after almost 50 years of marriage.

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When you reference how you are living your life in comparison to how your parents have lived their lives and to what they did or didn’t do for you, then you are incomplete. If, for example, in your opinion they were either there too much and smothered you or they were not there enough and you felt abandoned and misunderstood, these are symptoms of being incomplete. One way or the other, your source of identity is in relation and reaction to your parents. If you are saying that your parents are responsible for the way you relate, then you are incomplete with them.

We have seen many adults who were children of highly successful people be failures in life and relationship because they wanted to prove to their parents that their parents did it wrong. Any time things started going too well, these people would sabotage the possibility of their own success. Being right was more important than being happy. The aversion to being like one’s parents is nondiscriminatory; you can’t just pick and choose the parts of them you don’t want to be like. If you are trying to not be like them, you will avoid even their “good” traits.

Don’t Blame Your Parents

You can’t be yourself if you are avoiding being like one or the other of your parents, because then you are not living your own life. If you are resisting your parents, or going for their approval for that matter, then that relationship will persist, and each action you take will be filtered in a nanosecond through your idea of how they would do things rather than simply being yourself.

If you are still blaming your mother or father for the way you are, you will be handicapped in your ability to have a fully satisfying relationship. Your relationship to your parents is your archetypical relationship to men and women. They did not do it wrong. They were just living their lives as best they knew how, and you happened to be born into that family. Your parents probably didn’t take any courses on parenting or on how to have satisfying relationships. Neither did their parents–nor theirs. Until recently, probably within the last fifty years, there weren’t any classes in parenting or relating. The way people are is the way they learned to be in the families in which they grew up. And, more than likely, your parents did the best they knew how to do.

From a child’s point of view, your parents should have done things differently. Children’s perspectives are centered on themselves and on what they want. They cannot take into account all of the complexities of earning a living, having to relate with other people, and being responsible for the well-being and survival of the family. Children, by definition, have an immature and limited perspective of reality and can filter day-to-day events only through how these events affect them and their desires, preferences, and wants.

At a young age, you made decisions about who your parents were and then have held those decisions over time as though they are true. Most people don’t realize that many of their opinions were formed when they were in a childish temper tantrum or contraction many years ago.

LeAnne’s Story

If you want a relationship that works, give up making your parents responsible for your actions and start living your own life.

Our friend LeAnne can now laugh at her child’s interpretation of the things her father did “wrong.” One rather dramatic childhood memory had to do with a vacation she had with her parents in Greece. While traveling about the country, they stopped at a scenic overlook. Because LeAnne was not tall enough to see over the stone wall that hugged the cliff face, her father lifted her up and stood her on top so that she could enjoy the view. LeAnne was scared by the height, and through her immature perspective, she made up the story that her father was trying to throw her over the cliff. This fable remained in place for years, repeated to herself and embellished over time. Eventually, LeAnne realized that she had made up a very imaginative, creative explanation to justify her fear and further saw that her father had no intention of doing her harm nor had any desire to hurt her in any way. Bringing awareness to how she related to her father released her from her expectation that men were out to hurt her.

Some people reading this book will have had parents who were, in fact, abusive or severely lacking in parenting skills. We do not mean to suggest that some individuals did not experience severe childhood trauma. What we are suggesting is that carrying a grudge or having a vendetta with one or both of your parents will severely hamper your ability to relate. Even if your parents did things that were insensitive, ill-advised, or abusive, there comes a point where you must choose between having a fully satisfying life or being right about how your parents did you wrong.